La Chienne Sans Collier (The Bitch Without a Leash)

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I’ve been dragging around a growing feeling of misfitness in the last weeks.

I feel like a misfit at work, where my “originality” and assertion are getting suspicious and play against me. I am a misfit around people my age who settle in relationships whilst I am pushing the barriers of self-exploration always further. My aim in this life is to reach a level of zero self-censorship or self-judgement. Whatever I feel like doing, I’ll manage some day to not even question my desire and sink into it.

When the debate about gay marriage broke out in France, there was one speech that summarised it all and that I wish I had written.

It was the tribune written by the lesbian writer Virginie Despentes in the gay magazine Têtu in November 2012. In that text, she compares gay women to bitches (as in female dogs) with no leash. It’s brilliant. That’s the most accurate definition of lesbianism I’ve ever heard. This comparison applies not only to lesbians but to all the girls who are a bit too free, too loud or too assertive.

The original version reads: “Je sais, je comprends, ça gêne l’oppresseur quand deux chiennes oublient le collier, ça gêne pour les maintenir sous le joug de l’hétérosexualité, c’est ennuyeux, on les tient moins bien.” (“I understand that it may bother the oppressor when two bitches forget to put on a collar, it makes it more difficult to maintain them within heterosexuality. That’s annoying, you can’t restrain them that well.”) Apologies for the poor translation but you get the idea.

Since I read this, every time I’ve been in a social context where I am being criticised or where my nature makes me feel implicitly awkward or different – not necessarily related to my gayness, but more to my combination of femininity and power – I think of that image and it gives me courage.

Hum. Let me scan my memory. When did my bitch trouble start? I believe this feeling has been a long-life companion. I would almost be wobbly without it. As a teenager, I remember the women of my family trying to control my appearance and relationships and the men of my family trying to control my studies and future career. It wasn’t easy, but I won both battles. This was my fuck you school.

In what situations does my bitch-without-a-leash-ness feeling concretely manifest?

1/ When straight guys attempt to make me feel like I have no judgment upon what I like in bed and behave with me as if I didn’t mean what I say (see screenshots above – and that’s just a sample. I gave myself the mission to educate every single ignorant guy in the universe.)

2/ When some girls I got intimate with first enjoyed that I am a “power bottom” with barely no sexual limits, and all of a sudden only one of us was a slut. (Girls are so prompt to call another girl a slut. Lesbians are so prompt to become dreadful machos if you happen to be more fem than them. One has to explain me something: why is this power relation between dom and sub still going? Why is there an eternal despise for the one who enjoys receiving whether it is a boy/girl, boy/boy or girl/girl configuration? This kills me. Enjoying receiving sex is a sublime thing and should never be associated with slutness.)

3/ Because I don’t compromise on the way I present myself. I don’t want to trade my clothes to look more respectable, because if people stop for a minute and listen to what I say, they’ll see that I am and that my style has nothing to do with it.

4/ Because I am a lightning rod in the corporate world as I verbalise what everyone thinks but doesn’t really say. I know that I am perceived as unpredictable, because I don’t have a standard life and attitude. I got drunk with my senior manager the other night and in the flow of the conversation she said in a friendly way: “I don’t find you very obedient.” There we go. I took it as a compliment, but I should have checked out of curiosity whether it really was one.

5/ Family reunions. Not even worth developing as it is too obvious. My family knows about 20% of what is really happening in my life, and yet I have to tone it down.

6/ Simply walking alone in some cities is a constant reminder that you are a bitch without a leash (aka a man).

Last time I saw my therapist we got in a heated debate and I lost my nerves. I think I started shouting a little. I was asking the questions for a change: “In what moments of her life do you think a girl like me can feel like she is fully herself? How often do you think I can experience full freedom at the intensity that I need? There are three spaces of expression that I know of: the dance floor, writing my life on my blog, and potentially sex with a very intelligent and accepting partner.” 

I am still waiting on the third one.

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The Slut Limbo

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# I Have No Will

I had been off sex for almost 3 months but last night, decadence called again with the outrageous Skirt Club Party. Girls only in a top floor private flat with terrace looking over the infinite possibilities of East London.

I am on an intense phase where I am paving my way to a healthy personal future with no violence or conflict. I am therefore rewiring my brain to sweeter stuff, at the emotional and physical level. (As I am writing this, a giant LOL sign is flashing in my head… not sure why). It doesn’t feel that’s too much to demand from life, right?

But last night all my good resolutions got screwed with me.

# Covered With Sugar

It all took off (the night + my bra) with the Tequila shots game, which I inaugurated. I had to lie down on a table. The bartender that I really like and do nothing to hide it covered me with ice and sugar which 2 girls had to lick off my body. When getting to my mouth, they drank a shot and were picking a strawberry from my lips. That gets a party started.

# Sweet Pea Girl

This too beautiful to be true Hollywood looking girl arrived late with her girlfriend. Literally everyone was glued to her. She actually was the Barbie doppelganger of my iconic friend H, which weirded me out a little when I got into stuff with her. But she was taking Marilyn Monroe style facial expressions and was calling everyone ‘Sweet Pea’ so I couldn’t possibly take the whole thing seriously. She was lovely though… at every level.

# Losing it

After several episodes, I lost track at some point. I found myself in bed with about 11 other girls and we all mingled. Then, all sense of time & space of who was doing what to which part of me disappeared. And reciprocally. Limbs, lips, tongues, hands, skin, hair were spinning around me at 360º.

I have to say that in occasional moments like this I get out of my head and get intensely blinded by a violent feeling of freedom. I can even say a violent feeling of happiness. Super furtive, but super strong, like a huge shot of adrenaline. Sex is empowering like nothing else.

# Lakota Girl

The bartender that I like and do nothing to hide it is fascinating. She’s a tattooed native Amerindian girl from the Lakota tribe. I made her the most peculiar first impression though. A while ago, at the inaugural party, I was all corseted and heartbroken and I ended up throwing up in my cleavage from her too strong cocktails. She had to sponge cause she was on duty, and then she gave me a speech on binge drinking as if I was 14. That was the most funny & embarrassing way ever to find out you like someone. She keeps reminding me about this episode – we laugh about it because I love making fun of myself and for others to do so – so we have this weird connection. Last night I told her how frustrated I was that I made this first impression, but she replied that I was still tiny and cute.

After her shift, she hanged out with the few girls left and told us hilarious anecdotes. She was featured in a porn movie years ago where she did no sex but had to say a silly line to a girl doing pull-ups. The line was something like: ” Oh, look at these muscles you have!” and after she said it she was hit by the stupidity of the situation and fainted. They had to do another take. She is fabulous. I am feeling all gross teenagy around her (binge drinking aside).

# Meeting the Parents

There is an after effect to any type of getting high. Most of the girls there have boyfriends. Some are even married. There were 2 steady couples of girls. Most people go back to someone who is morally responsible for them after wildness. I think I was the only single lez (as opposed to bisexual) with no affective stability. So, yes, the cooling down can be brutal. Sometimes it may be more difficult than some others. I was all happy yesterday. No affective badtrip, no hard return to reality. Only question marks in my head.

Last time I went to this particular party was in February. I threesomed all night with 2 girls who are now a happy couple. From the dynamic of the trio, I knew from the beginning that they would end up together. Sweet! They weren’t at the party yesterday because they are on an introducing-the-parents trip. Six months from threesome to meeting the parents. I am 31 and I have never been introduced to any parents. Why? Is that a subconscious choice of mine? Is that my nature? Am I condemned to wander in the Slut Limbo for the rest of my life and write about it?

# Sunday Morning

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love my freedom. I am just questioning my ability for emotional 1-2-1 in bed. I was the last one to leave the party in the early hours of Sunday. I kissed Lakota Girl and the pretty organiser of the night at the door. She told me: “You were the star of the show for a moment!” Oh yeah? My peach bum was an ephemeral centre of attention. I replied in a smile that I couldn’t see anything going on, as it all took place behind me.

At the bus stop, a tipsy guy asked me what I had been up to. I told him the truth very simply. He thought that granted him the right to put his arm around my shoulders. Life is a jungle. I was feeling good, though.

I love the sexy fog of the following day.